I feel that simply having faith is more important than collecting religious paraphernalia; a spiritual faith without an expiration date attached because life is full of changes. There was a ten year gap from when I last stepped out of a church before I visited another church. This visit was about five years ago, when a friend invited me to attend a church revival.

Sitting crossed legged on the floor, in rows with other youths and hearing my friend’s pastor read selected Bible verses woke a part of my past, the life I used to be part of when I attended Sunday School regularly as a little girl. Back then, life was supposed to be perfect. Those were the days when I really believed in the Christian God, almighty father figure of the church, unconditionally and I really did love him. However, this was also the time when my real father got up and left his family. Life changed. The weekly routine familiar to a little girl became broken. There was nobody to take the kids to Church anymore, to take the kids to school if we were late and ultimately, instead of remaining children, we were supposed to grow up overnight. While I was dealing with these newfound emotions, a new feeling of hate crept in. Soon, I was feeling dark and resentful towards all things related to father figures. Faith was lost for this little girl, either because I was not able to attend church on a regular basis or I merely lost interest in all things associated with the past.

Five years ago, I cried inside a church. I let the tears shamelessly stream down from my face with my eyes still shut. I do not remember anyone else, if either the person sitting next to or behind me felt the same emotions of guilt washing away and being replaced with renewed fresh feelings. These feelings that were always there but hidden, misinterpreted from thinking how can I still have faith without the guidance of being under a chapel ceiling, superficial because all one needs is to believe. Eventually this settled into my current principle of, have a belief in any faith, hold it close to the heart and be guided to live self-consciously every single day of your life.

I am not an atheist nor am I a polytheist, the two extreme opposites in respect towards religion. As mentioned earlier, in my youth I experimented with Christianity and though touched by the gospels, was not moved by the teachings. The thought that one has to attend church on certain days of the week to obtain a higher spiritual sense of being, I felt was false. The years I spent away from the Church helped clarify my own personal true sense of spirituality. The God I looked up to as a little girl was created to be perfect. The God I know now with my eyes closed is imperfect, but He is still the almighty one, just more on an approachable level. He is not the Jehovah’s Witness that comes knocking on your door at 8 a.m. in the morning, but the good neighbor getting an early start on his yard who helps to mow half of your side of the lawn. God is not in the one asking for monetary donations to build a church to house his people, but instead, He is with the ones contributing time to Habitat for Humanity to help build a house for those in need of shelter. He is real.

I used to think that people who attended Church were good people and if you did not attend church, then you were going to hell. The period of my life when I stopped going to church had been my hell. I realized that attending a building ordained as a place of worship did not solve the real life crises that were happening. It had no significant correlation to sudden life changes that came from suddenly becoming a child of a single parent or the bitterness that follows any negative breaks from the norm.

Two relics I have from my Christian days are Bibles, one bound in white and the other in black.

The symbolism of these Bible covers is exemplified in my current religious state. Even though I was never formally introduced to Taoism, except for the occasional visit to a temple with my mother during vacation, these visits have stayed with me and even haunted my dreams. What has happened in the past cannot be changed, but what can be changed is the present and future so I chose to believe that when something good happens in life it is the result of bad past experiences. This belief, may be borrowing a touch of the Taoist belief of yin and yang to demonstrate symbolically the balances of white and black in respect to the light and darkness.

However, some things about religion never changes; a temple is still just another building of worship for another belief one puts her faith in. I do not have the luxury of often going on a vacation where there are temples nearby, but whenever I feel the need to be in touch with the Taoist faith that naturally stirs in my heart, all I need to do is believe.

It has been years since I last visited another Church and over a decade since my last visit to a temple. But whenever the occasion arises when I question who and what is God, I can rest assured that he exists in a form, uncomplicated and customized to fit individuals who believe. I will never forget God, sometimes I still call for his help when lost and find myself picking up a Bible for old times sake. And like my ancestors before me who worshipped Taoist saints, unconsciously I have gained a new appreciation for life and I’m still learning how to live faithfully. I believe in a life full of worth and cause, maybe with a bit of pain because life is, overall, real.

Li is a Halfway Staff Writer

This entry was posted on Monday, August 1st, 2005 at 12:39 am. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.